• Scott Allen Perry


by Scott Allen Perry

CLOSE UP on a Flux Capacitor. It ain’t in the DeLorean time machine. This mofo is hanging on the wall, like a trophy! It’s a wall sconce, humming, flickering, pulsating. We hear sexy moaning, same rhythm as the Flux. We’re in a bedroom of that legendary time traveler, Marty McFly, and he’s about to get some. Serious, his girl is ready. One hand is giving him the come hither. The other hand is calling for fast balls. Same girlfriend from the other movies but they changed actresses again, redhead this time. Easter egg alert: “Adventures in Babysitting” poster on the wall.

Marty about to put his hither in Jennifer's come when zany Doc Brown shows up. He falls through the fucking ceiling! What the hell is this white haired old codger on anyway? Well, turns out it’s PCP…. from the future! Doc’s ok ‘cause his body’s all cyborged out. Cyborg legs, feet, ass, everything but his crazy ass face and hair. But dig this. Cyborg wires hooked up to his crazy super genius brain giving him extra brain juice. Now he got crazy super-duper genius brain power.

Marty is all like, “Damn, Doc! I’m about to get some with Jennifer here! She got red hair now! Curtains and drapes, Doc! Curtains and drapes!” Doc is like, “Marty! She can come with us!” And Doc uses his cyborg arms to throw some clothes on Marty and Jennifer at super fast cyborg speed and they both like, “Damn, Doc! We ain’t naked no more!” And lickity split, Doc grabs tosses their asses in the new pimped out DeLorean time machine. Holographic paint, like a disco on wheels. Doc auto-shares the network password with Jennifer so she can look at Pinterest and shit then flips a switch and BAM! Three muthafuckin Flux capacitors pop up outta the hood. Marty’s like, “Damn, Doc! This bitch is fly!” And doc’s like, “Correction, Marty…. This bitch DOES fly!” ZOOM! They in the clouds.

The radio clicks on, "Power of Love" in the house... like you thought this pitch wouldn't have that song in it. Bitch, please. Ain't no Back to the Future movies without cool as hell Huey Lewis music in it!

Jennifer’s in the back pinning retro wall sconces and shit and Marty’s like, "Damn Doc, the old DeLorean could fly too….” but Doc cuts his ass off and is like, “But Marty, this baby does light speed!” USB 5.0 cables shoot outta Doc’s cyborg nipples and plug into the cigarette lighter charger (you know Doc’s got a dual hub in that mofo) and lasers shoot out of his brain wires and KAPOW! "Power of Love" REMIX time! The shit sounds like music from the future. Those time traveling rascals are traveling at MUTHAFUCKIN LIGHT SPEED. Then, suddenly, the vanish???

CUT TO the future. A crazy future bird is flying like he don’t give a shit about nothin! He crazy looking with big cyborg eyes and holographic paint feathers and a cyborg beak. He about to shit on some nefarious looking fools in the outdoor mall below but but before he can the sky starts rippling. Temporal disruption in full effect, and KABLAM! Disco DeLorean breaks through time and space. Doc and the future bird lock eyes and they both SQUAWK! It’s hilarious. Marty screams, “Damn, Doc!” And grabs the wheel. Those fools just miss nailing that future bird and it shits all over Disco DeLorean. But get this…. holographic paint bird shit. It just blends in, and Doc’s like, “Whoah, that was a close one!” And Marty's like, "Damn, Doc, you're telling me!"

ZOOM! They land in an ally and get out of the Disco DeLorean all frantic like they always do and Jennifer is chewing gum and she looks around and says, “Woooooow, is this the future?” And Doc gets all serious and looks at her like he all worried and shit and TSSSSSSS he pepper sprays her! She screams and then she’s knocked the fuck out. How? It’s the future. They got knock-out-pepper-spray and Doc just laid her ass OUT! And Marty’s like, “Damn, Doc! Why you knock Jennifer out with pepper spray from the future that also knocks you out? Why’d we even bring her?” And Doc’s like, “We always knock her out.” And Marty’s all confused but somehow it makes sense ‘cause…. time travel…. then shit calms down for a second and Doc looks at Marty all serious like he’s worried again and TSSSSSS the muthafucka pepper sprays Marty right in the fuckin face! Marty screams and is knocked the fuck out.

Doc laughs. He can’t stop laughing. He starts sniffing the air and he's like, “Is somebody burning toast?” and THUD! That fool hits the ground. Stroke. Dead as fuck! Then It’s all quiet. Like the first time it’s been quiet since we saw that future bird flying. Then….

Temporal distortion sky crack! Who ya think it is? That’s right. Bald, fatass, old as fuck Biff Tannen breaks through the time continuum in what? ANOTHER HOLOGRAPHIC PAINT DISCO DELOREAN. But check it. This one has 9 muthafuckin Flux Capacitors sticking out the hood! Shit just got real! Cue credits. Collect that box office money. You’re welcome!

#backtothefuture #sequel #free #genius

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a true tale by Scott Allen Perry “You can still fuck me if I pass out.” This phrase has bounced around my brain for 30 years. Sometimes it bounces in the way-back with memories of ice cream cake from